I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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