He kissed a someone with a penis
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's shark week go big or go home
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
