I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
