Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
