i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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