he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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