So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
