I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
