Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
smell my finger.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
