He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize