Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
