My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
