i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
