So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
