How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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