Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
whose ass print is on the piano?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
