Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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