Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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