Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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