if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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