Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize