just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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