so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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