Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize