I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
