Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
