Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
