ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize