yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
