Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
