Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
