Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
