i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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