The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
