Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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