Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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