grandma shit on top of the toilet
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize