Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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