Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
