Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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