I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
