My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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