I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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