I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ambien. No doubt about it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
now i know why i became what i already was.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
