who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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