my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
