you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
