I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
