i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
