im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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