you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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