overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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