no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
