mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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