Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
