this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
