oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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