I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
