all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
