At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
