The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
