Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
