I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
