Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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