haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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