he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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