Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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