mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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