I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
