I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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