Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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